Education: too precious to be managed by teachers!
Let stockholdersfirst manage your children's education!

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Your love of education can get you a seat as you wait for the closing bell!

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Our three Rs are Rally, Revenue, and Rate of Return. There's no Risk because it's public money!

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We know all the capital markets.

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The school day ends at 3 pm, but at stockholdersfirst we put in a full business day.

And do whatever it is done over at tumblr. We haven't figured it out yet.

Our Commitment

As our name states, stockholders come first. But of course children are important. So while our stockholders are number one, we will definitely treat your children like number two.

Efficient, Honest Financial Services for the 1%

Our Record

Our consistent free-market record of raising standards and cutting staff when test scores start to creep too high ensures the continual need for ever more tax-deductible for-profit enterprise to help children hit that moving target. Of course, this also ensures the continual fiduciary endurance of stockholders' portfolios with huge monetary gains that would have been diverted to the classroom. In government-run schools, that money would have been wasted on non-essentials like

And really, those field trips are huge market losses. The zoo? The science museum? REALLY? Wouldn’t it be better for a few people (our stockholders) to benefit from the field trips of our nations' most precious commodity: our children. At stockholdersfirst, we believe field-trips must be retail-trips to our most profitable stores. Book your Apple, Giant Food Store, or Mall of America Retail-trip today!

We also boast the largest transfer to the private penal system in the world. Our suspension rates hold world records.


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A parody (/ˈpærədi/; also called spoof, send-up or lampoon), in current use, is an imitative work created to mock, comment on or trivialise[citation needed] an original work, its subject, author, style, or some other target, by means of satiric or ironic imitation.
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